Silhouette

“If you must blink, do it now. Pay careful attention to everything you see and hear, no matter how unusual it may seem. And please be warned, if you fidget, if you look away, if you forget any part of what I tell you, even for an instant, then our hero will surely perish.”
-Kubo and The Two Strings

‘Hello! is anyone out there? hello! hello!’ The quiet was loud.
A squirmish, a rustle, something came into being.
‘Oh! hey there, little fellow. You…’ silence and analyzation, ‘You… are different. Quiet queer that I have ever seen.’
‘Oh,’ squeamishly it sighed, looking around frantically with bewildered eyes, tears welled up in overwhelming sensation and in realization of being, ‘I am…’ it fumbled, its voice shuddered, ‘I am…’ it tried once again but couldn’t find the right word, it didn’t know a lot of words yet. It was frustrating and overpowering, ‘I am…’
‘Oh, little fellow! Don’t worry, we will figure it out. I always figure it out,’  It said with a false sense of pride, It knew nothing beyond Itself. As far as It could go, It knew nothing but Itself, there was nothing but Itself. It was for the first time that It had found another creature, so majestically different. ‘Where do you come from?’ It asked humbly, It felt an immense adoration, an immense love for The Little Creature.
‘I was…’ its tone squealing, it looked around, bamboozled to find nothing. ‘Where are you?’
‘Oh, I am all around you,’ It flaunted Itself, danced around and smiled. It had always wanted to do that, there was no one there before to see.
The Little Creature tried hard to look around only to be left frustrated, ‘I cannot see you,’ it said meekly, afraid why it can’t see It.
‘Hmm,’ It replied with a great concern, as if It was contemplating. It pretended that It knew why, though It too had never seen Itself. It was just aware of its existence but It did not know “the why” and It never cared to think much about it. It wasn’t worth it. It was for the first time that It had seen something, otherwise, it was just a feeling of the presence of others. It would touch the others, form their shape inside of Its head. The others will always ask It to let them work, they were busy creating something. ‘We will see to it,’ It replied after a long thought of nothing.
There was a long silence. ‘Who made me?’ The Little Creature asked after a long pause.
‘I guess that would be The Others,’ It replied, ‘but where are they? I cannot see them. They were working right before you were there.’ It felt around but The Others were not there. ‘Good riddance,’ It said without any concern in its tone, ‘they were queer. Always busy. Never had time to play with me,’  then It paused for a long moment and began again, ‘they never could anyway. They could not feel me they said. Queer things.’
‘But I can feel you,’ The Little Creature replied, this time its voice beamed, a feeling of understanding something, recognizing something, elated it, ‘You are…’ it tried to find the words to say, the struggle was immense, how it could find the right word to say. ‘You are…’  it tried to think really hard but the word won’t come. It remembered something, something that was there before it. What was it? ‘You are…’
‘Oh,’ It replied in amazement, ‘You are very very queer.’
The Little Creature shrank, It called The Others queer and did not like them. Queer was the wrong word. The Little Creature was intimidated.
‘Oh no, no,’ It replied all of a sudden, ‘you are a good queer, unlike them, The Others.’
‘Oh,’ The Little Creature replied, somewhat convinced of it.
‘So, well,’ It took a good look at the little creature. ‘What should we call you? you must have a name. Do you remember your name?’
‘I…’ The Little Creature struggled again. The Little Creature remembered, there was something. The Little Creature could hear the talks, long gone talks, something that was there before it. The Little Creature remembered, ‘I am…’ it was frustrating, what was it that The Little Creature had to remember, ‘The Others, where are they?’ The little Creature asked impatiently.
‘How am I supposed to know. They were right there where you are, and then they just disappeared before you came,’ It replied and started to hum something, something It always hummed. It did not have lots of care. It just enjoyed Itself.
The Little Creature listened to It for a while and learned the pattern,  after a little try, The Little Creature started to hum too, but its humming was different. The Little Creature’s humming was loud and exactly opposite of Its humming. Instead of creeping, adulating tones, The Little Creature’s humming was fierce, a monotone so majestic.
‘Queer,’ It said in bewilderment, ‘Where did you learn to do that?’
‘From you,’ The Little Creature giggled.
‘Queer, queer,’ It said, ‘I never do that.’
‘Why cannot I see you?’ The Little Creature asked with the utmost affection.
‘I do not know,’ It tried to hide its fake pride of omniscience.
‘But you said you always figure something out,’ The Little Creature said.
‘Oh you ask a lot of questions,’ It said haughtily and tried to look away. As soon as It did so, it could see nothing but feel. It moved away, further and further and further, but It was still around the little creature. ‘Oh, did I have to be so big!’ it cursed.
‘But I cannot see you. How big you are?’ asked The Little Creature.
‘Oh, this one I can tell,’ It thought for a while, ‘I am…’ It tried to find the words but there were none, ‘I am…’ it was frustrating, It always thought that It knew the answer to this, so iI never really thought about it. How big was It? ‘I am…’
‘I guess we both do not know anything about ourselves,’ The Little Creature said pulling its face down. An overwhelming sadness came over it.
‘I do,’ It declared once again with a false pride. But then It couldn’t help but be moved by The Little Creature’s plight. It could not see The Little Creature sad. It felt a turbulence inside of It. ‘Oh, Oh, Oh,’ It said with a great affection, ‘do not be sad Little Creature,’  It thought of how It could cheer The Little Creature up. It thought of showing Its dance, The Others always asked It to dance whenever they felt frustrated in creating whatever they were creating. After a little show of dancing, The Others would be very happy and would go back to their work. But The Little Creature was not creating anything, dancing was not going to make The LittleCreaturee cheery It thought.
‘Where are The Others?’ The Little Creature could not hold its tears up and bawled. As it bawled, something around it appeared to both of them. The queerest thing. The thing looked like the little creature but was not it. The Little Creature stopped bawling and the thing disappeared.
‘What was that?’ The Little Creature asked in awe.
‘The Others, I suppose,’  It said, ‘but quite not like them. Queer, very queer.’
‘How do you know?’
‘I know everything,’ It said pulling Its pride together. ‘I have touched them always, I knew them, but they are very little now.  I wonder what happened to them.’
‘They made me?’ The Little Creature gaped at it.
‘Quite so,’ It replied. ‘Can you do it again?’ It asked.
The Little Creature nodded and tried to bawl again but this time there was no bawling, a loud humming like the one The Little Creature made before and it became more of itself. And this time it was permanent. Both of them looked around in awe. The Others were there, they were always there, but in a very little measure now. They appeared as if they were becoming like The Little Creature. But their other side was just like It.
‘The Others, they look like you and me,’ It said in a grave astonishment.
‘What are they doing?’ asked The Little Creature.
‘They are dancing, I taught them how to,’ It replied, ‘look at you, all this while you had been dancing too.’
The Little Creature looked at itself for the first time. The Little Creature looked Majestic. The Little Creature was dancing too. ‘Do you dance too?’ it asked happily.
‘Always,’ It replied and danced faster than any of them. As It danced, The Others shook a little bit and started to turn into something like The Little Creature even faster than before.
Seeing it, both of them danced and danced. Making it go faster and faster and faster. There was a joy that they shared.
‘So you are The Others,’ It said as It relaxed.
‘I guess I am The Others,’ The Little Creature looked at itself, ‘But I am different.’
‘Oh yes, yes, you are,’ It said, ‘Definitely,’ and then It looked at the turning Others.
‘I am…’ said The Little Creature, struggling to find the right word. It was in its head, it knew what it was. The Little Creature remembered something, something that was there before it, ‘I am…’ what was it? It’s something very queer The Little Creature thought. What it was, what The Others were saying before. Yes, The Others were saying something when it was The Others. ‘I am… Light,’ it remembered. Finally, it remembered.
‘Oh,’ It said, still looking at The turning Others.
‘You are the Darkness,’ said The Little Creature, the Light. It had remembered finally.
‘Is it what they called me, The Others, when you were them before?’ It asked, the Darkness asked.
‘Yes, I remember this much only. They never talked really much,’ replied The Little Creature, the Light. ‘Where did the Others come from?’
‘They were always inside of me,’ It said, the Darkness said, with a pride, but this time it was pure, elated pride.
‘Where did you come from?’ asked The Little Creature, the Light.
‘Oh queer, queer, queer,’ it snided, ‘You ask so many questions.’
‘Do not worry, you will figure it out,’ said the Light, ‘you will always be there to figure it out.’

 

Far across, in between them, the turning Others were forming an amalgamation of both of them on one another, to one another. There was a coexistence now. ‘We are together now,’ said the Light, ‘We will call it a silhouette.’
‘What do you mean by silhouette?’ Asked the Darkness.
‘Oh, queer, queer queer…’ said the Light…

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Dear Hachi,
It has been so long, it feels now, since I actually held something like you in my arms. Softest fur that I had ever touched, I find it really strange tbh, is still the softest, yet I experienced something getting closer to it. Nothing can surpass the feeling of your touch, but a few things can bring a kind of comfort a little bit closer to that I suppose. Do you know I never gave up on finding you? In every other canine I touch I find a little bit of you, I guess I have been collecting the pieces of me through them thus.
How amazing, how wonderful it is, a feeling of belonging, Hachi. I often come across some Beautiful Creatures who actually hold on to me like you did. I realise how you might have felt everytime you pressed your body against me in the burning summer nights. When life becomes bigger, it isn’t definite if it would become brighter. But when life becomes brighter, it definitely becomes bigger in and through those moments. Fire isn’t there only in the wood logs, it is there in the simplest of the touches too, and sometimes in the most complex emotions which you’d never want to name because some things become diminutive when they are subjected to societal norms. For an instance, the bond we shared could never ever be truly, fully comprehended by anyone. They might say that they understand, they might think that they understand, they might even actually understand, but they can never feel, not even an ounce of what we shared. Because somethings could never be comprehended by anyone else but you.
Hachi, I have that emotion in my head, that imprint, that Life is never about one, life is for one and life is, after that, for all. And it is as much to all as it is to one. Look at us, you are long gone and I still communicate with you, must be crazy to write to a dead creature they might think, but this, what I write, goes through the wireless signals, I guess it takes rounds around this lil’ orb in the form of the wireless signals and thus, it must touch sometime, someday, bits of the energy that once flowed through your beautiful body. And, oh, how true could it be that I leave bits of my energy in the forms of emotions around me and they reach to so many people and then they are procesaed and released in some another form. Thus all this energy, it is you & me and everyhing, everyone. But I would still write, though I still send you messages whenever I find something amazing. I hope you get them, through that person, those people.
So if you get my messages, I guess it is time you started talking to me through these energies too. I would try to pick your signals, and I would hope that you still remember me while you go on another adventure in another form through the cosmos. I would keep writing to you, I hope you do enjoy our little conversations, even though I whine sometimes but I know that you have a heart big enough to understand and still love me.
There is this guy, I hope I would introduce you two properly one day, even though I have already done that unofficially. Also, He talks with the energies, so I am sure you guys have met or will meet by yourselves someday. So there are a lot of chances, though we’d have to take right steps in and through the right moments. So please, help me keep what I have found, be my magic token. Guide me, heal me, show me and prepare me. Hachi, yesterday was Beautiful just like you. And you grow beautiful every next day. I am keeping these memories for me. I have created them. Love you forever.
PS- He is amazing with his tongue, just like you were.

If love were the fire
Then his words were the gasoline
And his eyes two marbles ready to ignite everything they fell upon

If love were the ice
Then my body was the water
And his touch was more than enough to freeze me to absolute zero

If love were a flower
Then I was just another pollen
And his glance was the fresh air that took me in the arms and brought me to ovary

If love were the blue sky
Then I was just a light falling through
And he was the air that dispersed me

If love were the black sky
Then he was the stars and the moon
Giving it a definite face and a definite view

If love were the breeze
Then his glance was the gas
And his grace was the van der Waals holding it all together

If love were the sleep
Then his smile was the first dream
And his carelessness was the comfort that gives it the existence

If love were the trees
Then his limbs were the branches on which I swung
And his hair were the leaves I found comfort under

If love were the ground beneath
Then his chest was the mantle I lay my head upon
And his beautiful arms were the soil that covered me

If love were the home
Then his passion was the four walls
And my mesmerized heart was the roof resting upon it

If love were the consciousness
Then his wisdom was the feelings
And his laughter was the curiosity to understand them all

If love were the road
Then his burning penis was the gravel
And his lips were the destination I had to reach to

If love were the journey
Then his body was the time
And my madness was the steps taken through

If love were a fragrance
Then his musk was the source of all the perfume
And I was the sense to pick it

But love was the death
And he was a life lived and won
I was the after, the unknown…

A Short Night Long

A day, a night and a chore
Be the plight of airborne heart
Calm and chaotic lips ashore
Down on mine part by part

Essence of the mirth on those fingers
Fashioned me in a longing longing for more
Growing inch by inch the thirst lingers
Hands in hands behind closed doors

In the eyes like candles in the dark
July to august in rain of those talks
Knuckles and ankle give off a spark
Lay it down in bed to feel hearts walk

Maybe it was that warmth or that skin
Nimble on the seams and fire on the arc
Oh, sweet face, sweeter from within
Pushed me beyond that Eros mark

Quivered as we touched and kissed and sweeten
Reverbed when left like a leaf on the storm
Sweet still when I slept and awaken
To mercy my cold, oh that raging warmth

Untied me and savoured to guts and thoughts
Vessels of those eyes never to run out
When it finally ended I was reeling into lots
Xenoned then, quietly so loud

Yesternight ended and the dream was over
Zeal was my plight and whim new sober

8th August

Dear Hachi,

My world has come tumbling down. What I always was scared of has happened. For the first time in my life I’m scared and alone altogether. For the first time I’m feeling so helpless, a different kind of helpless. For the first time, I feel helpless for someone else and for myself too. World as I knew has changed tonight. It is never going to be the same again. Tonight is the night everything will fall down. I’m going to be broken on the floor. I wish I could do something. I wish I could help him and I wish I could help me. If I’m this miserable right now, I cannot even begin to understand how miserable he is feeling. All these emotions have swarmed my head. I’m guilty, I’m angry, I’m sad, I’m scared, I’m lonely, I’m helpless, I’m stranded, I’m fucking vulnerable. How do I make it all right? How do I help him? How do I help me?

Life has come to a place where heartbreak feels easier. This rude reality has shocked my very fabric of existence. Shaambhavi is asleep, I didn’t want to wake her up. There’s no one else who could comfort me, so I am writing to you. Can you tell me that it’s going to be okay? That we are going to survive? That he will live a full life? Give me your strength if you are there. Give his heart a strength If you are around. He believes in his God. I don’t believe in anyone, but you. Will you help us get through this? You were the strongest thing I had ever known, that I will ever know. Please, save us.

A Failing System of Organs

As I sit today with a sense of void
It is easy to comprehend that I might crumble
With my thoughts shimmering low
And my body giving a way to cold
My palms sweat excessively, so do my feets
I feel this sadness crawl into my gut
The final place where it would rest
I feel as weak as a broken branch of a tree
My whole tree, my sense of self, seems to have abandoned me
I can feel my heart slowing down
Just enough to let me know that love is dead
But not low enough to die along with it
As I try to begin to understand
How some people never intended to let me down
It’s just that their best wasn’t as big as I expected
And soon as my hopes crumble right under my feet
As my aspirations abandon my eyes
I could see all of them crying for me there
And as I begin to wonder if I am sinking into my lost eyes
Mirror breaks just a little
My heart cannot sink in its own blood
So it starts to sink in my failures
Just enough to succumb and porpoise
But not enough to let go and find a release
Not that it has no strength
It could still go on and lift the world, take on it again
But what for? Where is the purpose?
What keeps you alive if spirit is.. just gone?
I can hear my heart screaming at times
Haunted by all the love it smothered itself
Why does it not want to hope again?
Perhaps, because hopes have abandoned it, to find a better place
After all, they were alive when they left
No one wants a grave for a home
But here I walk, a grave of a thousand dreams
An obituary of dismantled brain
Here where an unexplored world lives within a ravaged one.
A failing system of organs.

Heartbreak

The heartbreak won’t leave you
It will stare you right in the face
Lie on the bed next to you
Like a dead ghost, a dormant rock

It will weigh you down
Until you know you can go no further
Until you know you are helpless
And hit that dial on the phone

It will sit right across the hall
And make faces like an annoying child
Call you his or her name again and again
Drag behind you if you run away

It will hide in your clothes
And feed on your eyes every night
Ring in your eardrums in silence
Will dance on your skin like goosebumps

It will flow in your pen or in your brush
Or flow in your tears or in the blood
Perhaps flow through your windpipe and choke you
Maybe flow through your guts and to uretha

It will dance in your head every morning
And become a stump when others would dance
It will wrap around your fingers, like water
It will intensify with every laughter

It will be there, every before and after
And won’t stop until it becomes your master
It will become your monster and ruin your head
And then one morning you will find it is dead

And when it will leave you, it will keep you a gift
There will be strength blooming from the unforgiving rift
The rift that it left as it splat your heart
And then it will wait untill you once again start.

Along

It’s better to watch me go
Than to watch me fall
Try to talk what I know
Apparently I have done it all

I have seen the war
I have heard of peace
I have nursed the scars
I had a life on lease

Patience and dedication are the virtues
Long lost from my heart
So it’s rush and cheat I use
And I scratch from the start

They called me and they disappeared
Comrades of broken spirits
I tasted and I knew what they feared
Children of scorns and hits

So do not tell me I am a loser
Do not tell me I will fall
I am just another unauthorised user
Waiting at temples for gods to call

But the call won’t come
And my mind won’t break
You can just wish to get some
If I will allow you to take

Because I have forged my legs
And I am just another restless soul
Broke my vows and swindled the regs
I have looked through my heart’s holes

So if you don’t want me around
Don’t wish for me to fall
Watch me go without a sound
My mind can still bear it all

You don’t need to become me
You don’t need to be wrong
When it hits you won’t see
Then it always stays along

नज़्म-ए-इश्क

इस इश्क ने कितना तन्हा कर दिया

कुछ उनको हमारी कद्र ना हुई

कुछ हमने खुद की कद्र ना की
जब उन्होंने देखा तो कह गए

ये अफसाना कुछ और ही था

कैसे समझते वो खामोश लफ्ज़ मेरे

अनजाना दर्द कुछ और ही था
कैसे कहते कि रुक जाओ

दर्द बहुत था उनमें भी

वो रुक भी जाते दो पल को

तो दर्द उतार के हम भी बेआबरू हो जाते
पर जब वो चले गए तब एहसास हुआ

कि कहां चलता है जोर मिजाज-ए-इश्क पर

कि ये तो यूं ही बस ले चलता है

निसार ये दिल हम करते है

फिर ये दिल हमें निसार करता है

और फिर दोनों फफक कर रोते हैं।

Twenty One

Dear Hachi,
I know it has been quite some time since I wrote you last. You must think that whenever I write to you I talk about myself only and I never really ask you how you are. So how are you? Are you still somewhere around? Do you guide me at times? Or just as I believe, you are just gone into oblivion? Because whatever it is, you are around my heart and it lets me know about it often whenever it sends those tears rushing to my eyes. Who would have known that I would think of you whenever I would be troubled. You are still stuck to my conscience somewhere and I know it is going to stay that way as long as I am going to live. Love finds you in mysterious ways and you find love in just one way, you have to give it more than it ever gave you. And sometimes it stings too, just to make sure that you don’t forget about it.

It is the longest day of the year, astronomically for the people who haven’t lost anything precious or anyone worth a heart and cathartically for the people who lost someone or something like you. I woke up with a nightmare today, probably for the first time in my life. Have I become more human lately? I am not sure because all I see is hatred, jealousy, frustration and scorn washing it away bit by bit every day. And I say it not because I want to be patronised but because I am really pulverised. I can see how shred by shred I am losing the signs of who I was and everyone watches themselves change I think and it happens so gradually that even the minimal of resistance is too much. And the equation is always balanced in such a way that resistance leaves you frustrated and does nothing actually. I do not know, Hachi, if I will ever be the person I was before. I am afraid if I am honest.

Look, I made it about myself once again. They say you go to your mother or to your beloved whenever you are afraid of something, but I always end up coming back to your memories. And today I have come back to you because today was the day I lost you. I do not really feel like talking to anyone. I, again and again, return to your memories. And to a particular one, I come back to more than often. And that one is when your head went loose in my arms. If you know, no one will understand this and I suppose no one does. It is okay though, at the end of their day they sleep in their beds and at the end of their days in their graves. Their opinions and views matter as much as their breaths of past. What matters is that I will never forget you. Isn’t it what we humans live for? We hope that we won’t be forgotten after we die but I suppose you never thought that way, maybe because you were better than the humans. But I will not forget you because I know you happened just once and will never happen again. I hope I do something in your name.

I pay you homage my little furbuddy. Thank you for teaching me what love is and what it means.