8th August

Dear Hachi,

My world has come tumbling down. What I always was scared of has happened. For the first time in my life I’m scared and alone altogether. For the first time I’m feeling so helpless, a different kind of helpless. For the first time, I feel helpless for someone else and for myself too. World as I knew has changed tonight. It is never going to be the same again. Tonight is the night everything will fall down. I’m going to be broken on the floor. I wish I could do something. I wish I could help him and I wish I could help me. If I’m this miserable right now, I cannot even begin to understand how miserable he is feeling. All these emotions have swarmed my head. I’m guilty, I’m angry, I’m sad, I’m scared, I’m lonely, I’m helpless, I’m stranded, I’m fucking vulnerable. How do I make it all right? How do I help him? How do I help me?

Life has come to a place where heartbreak feels easier. This rude reality has shocked my very fabric of existence. Shaambhavi is asleep, I didn’t want to wake her up. There’s no one else who could comfort me, so I am writing to you. Can you tell me that it’s going to be okay? That we are going to survive? That he will live a full life? Give me your strength if you are there. Give his heart a strength If you are around. He believes in his God. I don’t believe in anyone, but you. Will you help us get through this? You were the strongest thing I had ever known, that I will ever know. Please, save us.

Along

It’s better to watch me go
Than to watch me fall
Try to talk what I know
Apparently I have done it all

I have seen the war
I have heard of peace
I have nursed the scars
I had a life on lease

Patience and dedication are the virtues
Long lost from my heart
So it’s rush and cheat I use
And I scratch from the start

They called me and they disappeared
Comrades of broken spirits
I tasted and I knew what they feared
Children of scorns and hits

So do not tell me I am a loser
Do not tell me I will fall
I am just another unauthorised user
Waiting at temples for gods to call

But the call won’t come
And my mind won’t break
You can just wish to get some
If I will allow you to take

Because I have forged my legs
And I am just another restless soul
Broke my vows and swindled the regs
I have looked through my heart’s holes

So if you don’t want me around
Don’t wish for me to fall
Watch me go without a sound
My mind can still bear it all

You don’t need to become me
You don’t need to be wrong
When it hits you won’t see
Then it always stays along

नज़्म-ए-इश्क

इस इश्क ने कितना तन्हा कर दिया

कुछ उनको हमारी कद्र ना हुई

कुछ हमने खुद की कद्र ना की
जब उन्होंने देखा तो कह गए

ये अफसाना कुछ और ही था

कैसे समझते वो खामोश लफ्ज़ मेरे

अनजाना दर्द कुछ और ही था
कैसे कहते कि रुक जाओ

दर्द बहुत था उनमें भी

वो रुक भी जाते दो पल को

तो दर्द उतार के हम भी बेआबरू हो जाते
पर जब वो चले गए तब एहसास हुआ

कि कहां चलता है जोर मिजाज-ए-इश्क पर

कि ये तो यूं ही बस ले चलता है

निसार ये दिल हम करते है

फिर ये दिल हमें निसार करता है

और फिर दोनों फफक कर रोते हैं।

Water Stain

If my eyes hurt you
And if my touch burns
There is much to be through
That’s how a man learns

‘Cause if my heart hurts
And if my love wears out
I have two hands to work
To wipe tears’ whereabouts

If the world seems sadder
On yesterday’s blunders
It all is but just a ladder
To the times you would do wonders

My love is a water stain
And your love a fine flower
Mine will get uglier in rain
Yours will thrive in its shower

So don’t leave your heart at my door
Sadness scavanges here at night
I’ve buried mine at the ocean shore
‘Cause I’m too weary to put up a fight

Go find yourself a fire to fuel
Bones that ignite your soul
Your kingdom on someone to rule
Without a hole in a heart or a heart in a hole

A Visceral Castration

Dear Hachi,
The last time I wrote you I told you how I was left feeling something visceral. No, it wasn’t love. It was just a feeling of being left alone by someone for no good reason. I told you how I wondered if anyone would ever love me like you did. And today once again I feel like crying because I feel everything in my heart except love. I feel compassion, I feel passion, I feel hate and anger all the same, I feel care and sadness, I feel happiness and joy. But it seems like my heart has forgotten how to feel all of them in one place.
I guess I have met two people who would do anything to make me fall in love, perhaps one more than the other. Last night I felt a fire, bright and fierce, that it has left me scared. I am afraid that fire is going to burn so much down or maybe turn something into pure gold but perhaps barren. That is the thing about fires, of the gut, of heart or of substance. If controlled, it becomes the most beneficial asset, and if not controlled, it burns its beholder to ashes and everything around. I am afraid I have set a fire at places, where I am the one who couldn’t be warmed up by it. Am I an arsonist Hachi? Am I born to leave a trail of broken hearts behind me, or everyone does the same and I am no different, quite opposite to what everyone says.
Will I ever fall in love again now that I have loved you with my soul? You know if you walk up to me once and tell me that I should let myself go and fall into this river flowing from the beautiful people, I will fall in love without thinking again. But the fact is that you are gone and I will never hear your voice again. Why has it become so hard after you? Why am I suffering even when I am liberated?
Why do people fall in love with me Hachi when I am the most incapable of loving? It makes me want to cry. I feel impotent in my heart. Yet no one seems to understand the suffering. Is it my fault?
Has the story reversed Hachi? Will I keep waiting for you all my life?

Loud the colours

Reverent the pace

Hoping in bubbles

Obtuse to race

Walking to meadows

Talking the grace

Louder the bellow’s

Thunder in lace

When they come marching

Flowers and love

Nimbus in arm-swing

Spring gale above

See a revolution of rainbow

To ignite world a-glow

Pain and Its Friends

The sky wore the blackening blue like a patch of hurt skin that shifts hues dolorously for the damage that has been so unkind, so unforgiving. The Vigour in the air that so far giggled with those snoozing little kids of hers was as silent and treacherous as the dying sun over some lone and sad desert existing in a forever ennui. The land beneath her paws that had been so appealing all this while had become appaling, for her offsprings were nowhere to be found.

She barely understood the meaning of death, she was not as sentinent as a human being. Her litter of pups that had not even opened their eyes yet had gone to silence just a week ago. Her breasts were bloated with milk, churning and aching to be sucked by those little mouths that were left open.

If only she understood how and why she had to find her little pups lying on the side of the road with that red flowing from their mutilated bodies, she could have felt bereaved at least but alas! All that she understood was that they would not move even after her many futile attempts.

Where had they gone to now? She had been crying on the streets, looking for them, but they were nowhere to be found. She had been feeling wrong all this time, how could it be? Wrong was the only thing she felt, without any definition, without any reference to it, it was just a feeling of ‘wrong’ that she always felt whenever she was wounded. Waiting by their unmoving bodies, waiting for them to wake up, she had fallen asleep by them, and oh! how wrong she was to. For when she opened her eyes they were gone, only the red was there; where had they gone to, abandoning her in that gruesome street? Why would they?

She could not understand what was happening, something so precious to her was vanished and she had no clue to where. Streets were gloomy, people looked at her with pity, she knew that look but she did not want bread from them, she wanted her pups.

Where possibly could they be gone? She had been bawling. Did she understand what sadness is? Did she understand what loss is? Was there any definition of the feelings in her world? All that she felt now was a longing, the ‘wrong’ had grown into ‘longing’ in no time, and it ate at her heart, much like one of those desperate times when she could not get food for days and it ate at her gut, perhaps worse than that.

People looked at her, yet again, she was digging another hole only to find handful of nothing. She had dug so many holes in that empty field, trying to find something desperately, crying loudly after each dig. There was a trail of dirt on the both sides of her face with a condemning desire in her black eyes and a pain in her body whenever she walked. She was unable to understand where she could find her pups again. She left the field once more, to look for them into another alley, milk was dripping from her breasts, she was bawling.

People that looked at her with pity till yet had started to feel irked. A dog crying in the neighborhood was a bad omen to them. It was time some of them aimed a piece of stone at her to hush her away.

​And when the soldiers got lost
She sent a raven to the east
May it find a trace of war
May it find a stranded peace

But rose the tides of silver land
Turning fate that sleigh of hand
The beast was down in dolour fire
Rave the raven for army’s ire

Beast was only pep of hope
Her rage was only for the pain
Army only fled for freedom
Peace was only blood in rain

So the end a fairy tale
Of clarus queen and monster pale

​गर तुम ये सोच रहे कि अभी जिंदगी खत्म है

तो तुमने जिद सीखी ही नहीं

पूछा था हमने पतवार से

जो ले चली थी नय्या मझधार में

हिलती-डुलती, थपेड़े खाती

लड़ती हुई, लड़खड़ाती हुई

कभी डूबती तो कभी उतरती

बोल उठी हँस के वो

क्यूँ सोचता है इतना

रुक जाते हैं तेरे कदम

कि कदमों की आवाज ही तो रास्ते का साज है

जिद कर, जिद से ही है तेरी जिंदगी

जिद से ही तेरी आवाज है।

I can’t sleep since I’ve heard her crying
Through my cheeks
Through my deception
I think she knows I am lying
She has been looking
For her heartling everywhere
She has been restless
She suffers like she’s dying
What have I done?
Where have I brought us to?
I did something I can’t change
Through my guilt she’s prying
Her eyes are stoned
Her heart is in disposition
She is frantic and wary
Seeing the truth I’ve been denying
Oh, my love is belying
It shatters right in front of me
Her heart and her hopes
Oh heaven, this pain is undying
I can’t look her in the eye
Questions through are eyeing
Save us someone from this
My world in front of me is dying.