Rockets

If the moment is not gone and I’m still there with you, standing at the bus stop, holding your hand or kissing your lips, and letting you go home with that small carton of big rockets so that I could go home and reflect on how terribly I’m going to miss you dear, celebrate today. Celebrate this festival, not for your dad, neither for your mother, sister or brother, no, not for me, but for yourself, for your tender beating heart that thumps against my shivering hands. I will tell you why. Because your heart beats instead of being wounded, because your heart loves instead of being tired, because your heart is full of truth and full of warmth. I know, I have seen that person behind that beautiful face.

I know why you heal people, you guide them to find the peace and protection, you think that healing them will heal your heart somewhere, that your heart will be set free of the rue of your past. But healing people isn’t going to heal your heart, healing your heart is going to heal your heart. Though your love is fearless, your heart needs to breakfree from the fear yet. Those wounds aren’t going to heal themselves, that beautiful heart deserves your kindness, dear.

So if the moment is not gone and I’m still on your skin or standing in front of you and smiling stupidly while staring at the perfect symmetry of your face, if the moment is still there in the gaps of our crossed fingers, go and light these rockets today. And with each of them, rid your heart of the most excruciating pains and watch them shoot to the sky and blast away like bubbles. Just believe that you tied the weights of your heart with those flying crackers and let them burn. I know I might sound stupid to you when I ask you to do this. But then you know that you sound stupid to me too when you tell a few alien things, but I believe them because I put my faith in your palms which I kiss so tenderly as if my lips could hurt them. I do not trust yet, but I believe. There’s a difference between trusting and believing. Trust requires proof while believing requires faith. In time I’ll get there, I’ll start trusting too. But for now, I believe. You know that it’s all about believing. So believe me and burn those rockets and let everything, every pain of your past go blast with them. Maybe the number of your pains would outrun the rockets, but we will get to the end of it, you will get to the end of it once you start. And save the last rocket for your newly found love, not me, but the love that you’ve found with me. The love that makes you strong, save the last rocket for it. And take a deep breath, let your tears roll and bless the sky, like you bless everyone, bless yourself that you are capable of loving and living, bless yourself that your heart needs to let go, bless yourself that you are bigger than those who hurt you, and then light the last rocket, watch it shoot to the sky and the universe will know that you’ve forgiven yourself for being so harsh on you. I want you to celebrate, to know that this festival is for you too and that a new light is coming to you and you will find your own way to a happier life where the past won’t haunt you anymore.

So if the moment is still not gone and you are breathing on my face or holding me closer to your chest, I want to whisper in your ear that I love you dear and it is going to be a great year and I love you.

Go, celebrate this festival and burn the old house down, we have to build a new home. Make love to your heart.

PS- the rockets may not blast, so just close your eyes and pretend that they do. It’s all about believing.

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After

I’m not perfect and I love you

You know that

Sometimes I’d do some terrible things

And regret them for days even though you’d ask me not to

Sometimes I’d not do some terrible things

And still regret them for days even though you’d ask me not to

Sometimes I’d hurt you because I’m hurting

These are my flaws

They are not too many but surely are too much

Can you handle them?

It is not a task, it is not something to bind you down

Living with me it is

I know you’d figure it out, you have your way with things

Only if, you know that I love you and I’d do anything for you

It’s not everyday that I’d find you

And I don’t know if I can keep you happy

But I’d try, try in our ways

I may often bring trouble with me

But I know you know it and still you’ve loved me

I am not perfect but I’d try anything for you

And I want to stay by you

And I just want to make you smile

And I know I’d never let you down knowingly

And maybe I’ll make you a family

Do you love me? Still?

After?

Come and Go

To know that you’re here for a reason

All the sticks and stones and ash in bones

Everything was there for this to come

You were broken at seams and torn by gleams

So that you could be in a perfect symmetry when it comes

Would you have reacted in the most ideal way?

If you were a little less broken

Sure you’d have been a little less insecure, a little more sure

And a little bit less chaotic

Perhaps, confident enough to blow it off its mind

But would you have been just perfect?

No less, no more, no more swinging by the door

Just somewhere sitting in a corner where you’re closer to the floor

And you knew you’d be alone again

So that you could be found by the break of the day

Did you have to spend a thousand nights in the burning sun

Of countless breaking thoughts?

Just to be able enough to fathom this one

Thinking of a hole in the sky

From where all the wrath falls on earth

Or a mountain up high of remorse

So that you could stand at the top of it and be visible to it?

The moments passed like rodents in your skin

Just so that you could be wrecked just enough to be seared enough

To feel enough and match the intensity of the new fire enough?

It’s a lifetime running in circles

Just to come to the same point again and again

But it’s a spiral, you’re going up and up

And you may never know

Just to have this one

It was necessary to let all the things come and go.

I Do Not

No, I don’t think of you much anyway
But this blood seeping from heart is misled
Burning like gasoline, setting my body on fire
Setting up and setting low in my head
To let them go, the memories those miseries
Oh, I wish I could burn it all down.

No, I do not love you much anyway
But ever since my heart was chocking
Strangled in my fragile ribcage
Lying on the floor I am hoping
Stuck outside the door, I’m stuck in my own kind of hell
Oh, I wish instead of me I could break it down.

You may think my breaths are flickering
Bickering, in my spite it’s different
Misery and those echoes of my knees
Meeting the ground and never coming up
No, I do not love you, I do not think of you
But this damned desire to touch your skin

No, I do not write for you, I write for my own
But this ink is not, it is something more
It is blue of my heart, it is grey of my brain
It is red of my eyes, it is pale of my skin
It is state of my being, it is death of a dream
It is the last time we talked and last time I breathe

No, I do not cry for you, I do not look for Orion.

orion_stars-thinkstock

Flicker of smoke like a trampled will
Her face, her grace, all over the place
And the tears, the tears and the wears
Sinking like a bolt into the Earth
The wind, the wind up and glint of eyes
Flare like a comet through the chest
Did she know, no I guess no

The wait, the weight of ever late
Like a sailing cloud never coming down
Crosses her heart like a dagger of faith
How she felt her lips, wisps of lost chase
Going right, in the right of her wrong
Digging desperately into her face
Like pins, sow the heap, heap and sow

Mercy, the more she sees the moor of her dreams
Crippling like a broken branch against wind
She’d go down, drown and grow alone
In the blighted superstition of her hope
Striking like a tsunami against her life
She does know, I guess she’d always known
It is soon to be over, over her suffering

Dear Hachi,
It has been so long, it feels now, since I actually held something like you in my arms. Softest fur that I had ever touched, I find it really strange tbh, is still the softest, yet I experienced something getting closer to it. Nothing can surpass the feeling of your touch, but a few things can bring a kind of comfort a little bit closer to that I suppose. Do you know I never gave up on finding you? In every other canine I touch I find a little bit of you, I guess I have been collecting the pieces of me through them thus.
How amazing, how wonderful it is, a feeling of belonging, Hachi. I often come across some Beautiful Creatures who actually hold on to me like you did. I realise how you might have felt everytime you pressed your body against me in the burning summer nights. When life becomes bigger, it isn’t definite if it would become brighter. But when life becomes brighter, it definitely becomes bigger in and through those moments. Fire isn’t there only in the wood logs, it is there in the simplest of the touches too, and sometimes in the most complex emotions which you’d never want to name because some things become diminutive when they are subjected to societal norms. For an instance, the bond we shared could never ever be truly, fully comprehended by anyone. They might say that they understand, they might think that they understand, they might even actually understand, but they can never feel, not even an ounce of what we shared. Because somethings could never be comprehended by anyone else but you.
Hachi, I have that emotion in my head, that imprint, that Life is never about one, life is for one and life is, after that, for all. And it is as much to all as it is to one. Look at us, you are long gone and I still communicate with you, must be crazy to write to a dead creature they might think, but this, what I write, goes through the wireless signals, I guess it takes rounds around this lil’ orb in the form of the wireless signals and thus, it must touch sometime, someday, bits of the energy that once flowed through your beautiful body. And, oh, how true could it be that I leave bits of my energy in the forms of emotions around me and they reach to so many people and then they are procesaed and released in some another form. Thus all this energy, it is you & me and everyhing, everyone. But I would still write, though I still send you messages whenever I find something amazing. I hope you get them, through that person, those people.
So if you get my messages, I guess it is time you started talking to me through these energies too. I would try to pick your signals, and I would hope that you still remember me while you go on another adventure in another form through the cosmos. I would keep writing to you, I hope you do enjoy our little conversations, even though I whine sometimes but I know that you have a heart big enough to understand and still love me.
There is this guy, I hope I would introduce you two properly one day, even though I have already done that unofficially. Also, He talks with the energies, so I am sure you guys have met or will meet by yourselves someday. So there are a lot of chances, though we’d have to take right steps in and through the right moments. So please, help me keep what I have found, be my magic token. Guide me, heal me, show me and prepare me. Hachi, yesterday was Beautiful just like you. And you grow beautiful every next day. I am keeping these memories for me. I have created them. Love you forever.
PS- He is amazing with his tongue, just like you were.

If love were the fire
Then his words were the gasoline
And his eyes two marbles ready to ignite everything they fell upon

If love were the ice
Then my body was the water
And his touch was more than enough to freeze me to absolute zero

If love were a flower
Then I was just another pollen
And his glance was the fresh air that took me in the arms and brought me to ovary

If love were the blue sky
Then I was just a light falling through
And he was the air that dispersed me

If love were the black sky
Then he was the stars and the moon
Giving it a definite face and a definite view

If love were the breeze
Then his glance was the gas
And his grace was the van der Waals holding it all together

If love were the sleep
Then his smile was the first dream
And his carelessness was the comfort that gives it the existence

If love were the trees
Then his limbs were the branches on which I swung
And his hair were the leaves I found comfort under

If love were the ground beneath
Then his chest was the mantle I lay my head upon
And his beautiful arms were the soil that covered me

If love were the home
Then his passion was the four walls
And my mesmerized heart was the roof resting upon it

If love were the consciousness
Then his wisdom was the feelings
And his laughter was the curiosity to understand them all

If love were the road
Then his burning penis was the gravel
And his lips were the destination I had to reach to

If love were the journey
Then his body was the time
And my madness was the steps taken through

If love were a fragrance
Then his musk was the source of all the perfume
And I was the sense to pick it

But love was the death
And he was a life lived and won
I was the after, the unknown…

8th August

Dear Hachi,

My world has come tumbling down. What I always was scared of has happened. For the first time in my life I’m scared and alone altogether. For the first time I’m feeling so helpless, a different kind of helpless. For the first time, I feel helpless for someone else and for myself too. World as I knew has changed tonight. It is never going to be the same again. Tonight is the night everything will fall down. I’m going to be broken on the floor. I wish I could do something. I wish I could help him and I wish I could help me. If I’m this miserable right now, I cannot even begin to understand how miserable he is feeling. All these emotions have swarmed my head. I’m guilty, I’m angry, I’m sad, I’m scared, I’m lonely, I’m helpless, I’m stranded, I’m fucking vulnerable. How do I make it all right? How do I help him? How do I help me?

Life has come to a place where heartbreak feels easier. This rude reality has shocked my very fabric of existence. Shaambhavi is asleep, I didn’t want to wake her up. There’s no one else who could comfort me, so I am writing to you. Can you tell me that it’s going to be okay? That we are going to survive? That he will live a full life? Give me your strength if you are there. Give his heart a strength If you are around. He believes in his God. I don’t believe in anyone, but you. Will you help us get through this? You were the strongest thing I had ever known, that I will ever know. Please, save us.

Along

It’s better to watch me go
Than to watch me fall
Try to talk what I know
Apparently I have done it all

I have seen the war
I have heard of peace
I have nursed the scars
I had a life on lease

Patience and dedication are the virtues
Long lost from my heart
So it’s rush and cheat I use
And I scratch from the start

They called me and they disappeared
Comrades of broken spirits
I tasted and I knew what they feared
Children of scorns and hits

So do not tell me I am a loser
Do not tell me I will fall
I am just another unauthorised user
Waiting at temples for gods to call

But the call won’t come
And my mind won’t break
You can just wish to get some
If I will allow you to take

Because I have forged my legs
And I am just another restless soul
Broke my vows and swindled the regs
I have looked through my heart’s holes

So if you don’t want me around
Don’t wish for me to fall
Watch me go without a sound
My mind can still bear it all

You don’t need to become me
You don’t need to be wrong
When it hits you won’t see
Then it always stays along