Twenty One

Dear Hachi,
I know it has been quite some time since I wrote you last. You must think that whenever I write to you I talk about myself only and I never really ask you how you are. So how are you? Are you still somewhere around? Do you guide me at times? Or just as I believe, you are just gone into oblivion? Because whatever it is, you are around my heart and it lets me know about it often whenever it sends those tears rushing to my eyes. Who would have known that I would think of you whenever I would be troubled. You are still stuck to my conscience somewhere and I know it is going to stay that way as long as I am going to live. Love finds you in mysterious ways and you find love in just one way, you have to give it more than it ever gave you. And sometimes it stings too, just to make sure that you don’t forget about it.

It is the longest day of the year, astronomically for the people who haven’t lost anything precious or anyone worth a heart and cathartically for the people who lost someone or something like you. I woke up with a nightmare today, probably for the first time in my life. Have I become more human lately? I am not sure because all I see is hatred, jealousy, frustration and scorn washing it away bit by bit every day. And I say it not because I want to be patronised but because I am really pulverised. I can see how shred by shred I am losing the signs of who I was and everyone watches themselves change I think and it happens so gradually that even the minimal of resistance is too much. And the equation is always balanced in such a way that resistance leaves you frustrated and does nothing actually. I do not know, Hachi, if I will ever be the person I was before. I am afraid if I am honest.

Look, I made it about myself once again. They say you go to your mother or to your beloved whenever you are afraid of something, but I always end up coming back to your memories. And today I have come back to you because today was the day I lost you. I do not really feel like talking to anyone. I, again and again, return to your memories. And to a particular one, I come back to more than often. And that one is when your head went loose in my arms. If you know, no one will understand this and I suppose no one does. It is okay though, at the end of their day they sleep in their beds and at the end of their days in their graves. Their opinions and views matter as much as their breaths of past. What matters is that I will never forget you. Isn’t it what we humans live for? We hope that we won’t be forgotten after we die but I suppose you never thought that way, maybe because you were better than the humans. But I will not forget you because I know you happened just once and will never happen again. I hope I do something in your name.

I pay you homage my little furbuddy. Thank you for teaching me what love is and what it means.