I know it has been quite some time since I wrote you last. You must think that whenever I write to you I talk about myself only and I never really ask you how you are. So how are you? Are you still somewhere around? Do you guide me at times? Or just as I believe, you are just gone into oblivion? Because whatever it is, you are around my heart and it lets me know about it often whenever it sends those tears rushing to my eyes. Who would have known that I would think of you whenever I would be troubled. You are still stuck to my conscience somewhere and I know it is going to stay that way as long as I am going to live. Love finds you in mysterious ways and you find love in just one way, you have to give it more than it ever gave you. And sometimes it stings too, just to make sure that you don’t forget about it.
It is the longest day of the year, astronomically for the people who haven’t lost anything precious or anyone worth a heart and cathartically for the people who lost someone or something like you. I woke up with a nightmare today, probably for the first time in my life. Have I become more human lately? I am not sure because all I see is hatred, jealousy, frustration and scorn washing it away bit by bit every day. And I say it not because I want to be patronised but because I am really pulverised. I can see how shred by shred I am losing the signs of who I was and everyone watches themselves change I think and it happens so gradually that even the minimal of resistance is too much. And the equation is always balanced in such a way that resistance leaves you frustrated and does nothing actually. I do not know, Hachi, if I will ever be the person I was before. I am afraid if I am honest.
Look, I made it about myself once again. They say you go to your mother or to your beloved whenever you are afraid of something, but I always end up coming back to your memories. And today I have come back to you because today was the day I lost you. I do not really feel like talking to anyone. I, again and again, return to your memories. And to a particular one, I come back to more than often. And that one is when your head went loose in my arms. If you know, no one will understand this and I suppose no one does. It is okay though, at the end of their day they sleep in their beds and at the end of their days in their graves. Their opinions and views matter as much as their breaths of past. What matters is that I will never forget you. Isn’t it what we humans live for? We hope that we won’t be forgotten after we die but I suppose you never thought that way, maybe because you were better than the humans. But I will not forget you because I know you happened just once and will never happen again. I hope I do something in your name.
I pay you homage my little furbuddy. Thank you for teaching me what love is and what it means.
Like a hunger, love hits my guts
Warm hearth is where it stays
Like crimson aura of swaying palm tree
Sweet as fickle wind on my window
It becomes a hunger unaddressed
Doesn’t have a place to go
Before I swallow it or it swallows me
Thoughts devour my last premonition
Who knew I would miss my heart a day
When it was a kid, free and wild
Now it is tamed, it tames and troubles
Peace be upon it, piece bygone it
And shall I suffer at his tricky smile
I hope love will wait on me for a while
Just tell me this, ‘why do you have to go?’
All the blues in reds, do we know?
Is there an end to this madness?
Do flowers grow where we fall?
A little bit of reason might suffice,
Just tell me who we are saving from.
Are we really willing to win?
And if we do, isn’t it just a whim?
Why are we raging war for peace?
Why are we killing when we are made to love?
‘Where do you have to go?’
Will we meet again?
If it is love for your nation
Do we love our home enough?
For the motives of just a few
You fight when I know you don’t
Who wants to kill, I know you don’t
You wish the war doesn’t begin
But you still go when they call
Is that how women and men fall?
All the soil and the sky
They see everything passing them by
I don’t think they love us
That’s why they didn’t give us wings or roots.
Or maybe they loved us so much?
And they did not bind us to them thus
So that we could go and explore the universe
Why are we fighting yet?
‘Why do you have to go?’
Do they cry differently when you kill?
Or spill a different blood?
Do thorns grow where they die?
As I live under a shadow
Of gas and of fear
The ammunition of sorrow
Lingers on forever here
On sweet snow and pines
Shattered roof of these shrines
Take a look at these valleys
Graves that rise in rallies
A fight that never ends
Stones and sticks on skin like drums
Of freedom forsaken amends
In wails and silenced hums
Some are taken and never returned
Some are gone and just gone
Rest lay here turned and turned
Imprisonment keeps moving on
I am the smoke and I am the ice
Hiding in days and sleepless at nights
It is my valley, dolor in paradise
Cascade of lost and neverending lights
Welcome to Kashmir
A land that never rests
Of home and of fear
Of sold souls’ formidable tests
Oh my eyes are open
And I see the colours passing by
Isn’t the world beautiful?
When rain flows in the air
Oh my heart is open
And I let pain turn into pleasure
Let my life dance to its beats
When I do not know where I am going
It is like a sweet cold wind
That makes me shiver and ecstatic
Makes me freefall as I start to hurt
When I fail and I fall down
Oh my love is open
For everyone who comes or goes
Nothing extraordinary or brilliant
It is as ordinary as billions of others’
Very common and very authentic
When I know I am beautiful
Like all the beautiful people
Trying to be more human
Oh my mind is open
For everything I see and feel
From swindle to a child’s smile
When I know the world is failing
But it will go on even if it fails
For as strong as the earth is
Human is its offspring and more
Oh I wish I had been here before
Air is all the gloom
My pain in bossom bloom
All the talks and noise
Are the clinging doom
In the eyes stoned and dreamy
Tomorrow is just another tomorrow
Yesterday was a lost echo
And future always seems creamy
But when I am with myself
No one is with me or mine
Writing down pain helps but not
Your words scream for help
You write and you think
You think more than you should
In thoughts darker than charcoal
Linger at teary brink
Healing is just a hoax
In time you become numb
And stay the way until you succumb
With enough to death coax
Oh heaven, will it ever cease?
Lest I go on and lay my heart
To the ruthless dust of my thoughts
And die when it’s enough to ease?
If my eyes hurt you
And if my touch burns
There is much to be through
That’s how a man learns
‘Cause if my heart hurts
And if my love wears out
I have two hands to work
To wipe tears’ whereabouts
If the world seems sadder
On yesterday’s blunders
It all is but just a ladder
To the times you would do wonders
My love is a water stain
And your love a fine flower
Mine will get uglier in rain
Yours will thrive in its shower
So don’t leave your heart at my door
Sadness scavanges here at night
I’ve buried mine at the ocean shore
‘Cause I’m too weary to put up a fight
Go find yourself a fire to fuel
Bones that ignite your soul
Your kingdom on someone to rule
Without a hole in a heart or a heart in a hole
The last time I wrote you I told you how I was left feeling something visceral. No, it wasn’t love. It was just a feeling of being left alone by someone for no good reason. I told you how I wondered if anyone would ever love me like you did. And today once again I feel like crying because I feel everything in my heart except love. I feel compassion, I feel passion, I feel hate and anger all the same, I feel care and sadness, I feel happiness and joy. But it seems like my heart has forgotten how to feel all of them in one place.
I guess I have met two people who would do anything to make me fall in love, perhaps one more than the other. Last night I felt a fire, bright and fierce, that it has left me scared. I am afraid that fire is going to burn so much down or maybe turn something into pure gold but perhaps barren. That is the thing about fires, of the gut, of heart or of substance. If controlled, it becomes the most beneficial asset, and if not controlled, it burns its beholder to ashes and everything around. I am afraid I have set a fire at places, where I am the one who couldn’t be warmed up by it. Am I an arsonist Hachi? Am I born to leave a trail of broken hearts behind me, or everyone does the same and I am no different, quite opposite to what everyone says.
Will I ever fall in love again now that I have loved you with my soul? You know if you walk up to me once and tell me that I should let myself go and fall into this river flowing from the beautiful people, I will fall in love without thinking again. But the fact is that you are gone and I will never hear your voice again. Why has it become so hard after you? Why am I suffering even when I am liberated?
Why do people fall in love with me Hachi when I am the most incapable of loving? It makes me want to cry. I feel impotent in my heart. Yet no one seems to understand the suffering. Is it my fault?
Has the story reversed Hachi? Will I keep waiting for you all my life?
Oh Delhi, you old yet raw abode
Your veins are flooded
Your bones are cluttered.
The way you boil is impatient,
And your slithering chill sedates
Yet culminates the hearts.
You rise and you run the miles.
You do not sleep or yawn.
The wind you harbour is not air
It is life playing and bruising
It is hopes assembled and raged.
How I hate your guts
The way you churn our souls
There is a dishonesty in your honesty
And dishonesty that reeks of honest pain.
You can turn a rock into gold
And make titanium crumble
That is your might, your force.
Love has a million meanings to you
And yet love for you is pure.
You can take more than you give
And what you give is forever more
Than what we take in believe
And you ever did the candid
Show that outdid forevermore.
Change of seasons and weather
That muses the muse and troubles the breath
They say you reek of inhumane shell
Yet I find a humanity lying in your fissures
Strange, frightening and intimidating humanity
In the furnace of your revolutions
So fierce that it tans the souls
Makes some wings rust and some soar.
You withdraw whatever, whenever you want
And you give like a humble old woman
Aren’t you fascinating?
Never growing old, never the same
Such cage of sad pleasure
Such land of rising dreams
For heartbreak enliven wants
Weaving their meanings in your lap.
Oh dear life
Where are you?
Waiting in the shades
I have been
In the hands of cold
Over the night
Welp, you too?
Waiver and fade
In the unseen
In pains two fold
And meet me by my old
Home abandoned, broken
Crucify my memory
Mount on the front wall
Castrate my soul
And masterpiece me cold
Heart sullen, woken
Halted on nodes
Call me if you see
Mundane me like Fall
Crude Bones are old after all
Buried in my face
Looming in my skin
Lunging for riddance
From me, from us
Turning to ashes
For we are apart
Benign be on me, grace
Love, dear life to win
Let me sleep thence
Feel your healing gush
Tending in your eyelashes
Forever, to start