8th August

Dear Hachi,

My world has come tumbling down. What I always was scared of has happened. For the first time in my life I’m scared and alone altogether. For the first time I’m feeling so helpless, a different kind of helpless. For the first time, I feel helpless for someone else and for myself too. World as I knew has changed tonight. It is never going to be the same again. Tonight is the night everything will fall down. I’m going to be broken on the floor. I wish I could do something. I wish I could help him and I wish I could help me. If I’m this miserable right now, I cannot even begin to understand how miserable he is feeling. All these emotions have swarmed my head. I’m guilty, I’m angry, I’m sad, I’m scared, I’m lonely, I’m helpless, I’m stranded, I’m fucking vulnerable. How do I make it all right? How do I help him? How do I help me?

Life has come to a place where heartbreak feels easier. This rude reality has shocked my very fabric of existence. Shaambhavi is asleep, I didn’t want to wake her up. There’s no one else who could comfort me, so I am writing to you. Can you tell me that it’s going to be okay? That we are going to survive? That he will live a full life? Give me your strength if you are there. Give his heart a strength If you are around. He believes in his God. I don’t believe in anyone, but you. Will you help us get through this? You were the strongest thing I had ever known, that I will ever know. Please, save us.

A Failing System of Organs

As I sit today with a sense of void
It is easy to comprehend that I might crumble
With my thoughts shimmering low
And my body giving a way to cold
My palms sweat excessively, so do my feets
I feel this sadness crawl into my gut
The final place where it would rest
I feel as weak as a broken branch of a tree
My whole tree, my sense of self, seems to have abandoned me
I can feel my heart slowing down
Just enough to let me know that love is dead
But not low enough to die along with it
As I try to begin to understand
How some people never intended to let me down
It’s just that their best wasn’t as big as I expected
And soon as my hopes crumble right under my feet
As my aspirations abandon my eyes
I could see all of them crying for me there
And as I begin to wonder if I am sinking into my lost eyes
Mirror breaks just a little
My heart cannot sink in its own blood
So it starts to sink in my failures
Just enough to succumb and porpoise
But not enough to let go and find a release
Not that it has no strength
It could still go on and lift the world, take on it again
But what for? Where is the purpose?
What keeps you alive if spirit is.. just gone?
I can hear my heart screaming at times
Haunted by all the love it smothered itself
Why does it not want to hope again?
Perhaps, because hopes have abandoned it, to find a better place
After all, they were alive when they left
No one wants a grave for a home
But here I walk, a grave of a thousand dreams
An obituary of dismantled brain
Here where an unexplored world lives within a ravaged one.
A failing system of organs.