The last time I wrote you I told you how I was left feeling something visceral. No, it wasn’t love. It was just a feeling of being left alone by someone for no good reason. I told you how I wondered if anyone would ever love me like you did. And today once again I feel like crying because I feel everything in my heart except love. I feel compassion, I feel passion, I feel hate and anger all the same, I feel care and sadness, I feel happiness and joy. But it seems like my heart has forgotten how to feel all of them in one place.
I guess I have met two people who would do anything to make me fall in love, perhaps one more than the other. Last night I felt a fire, bright and fierce, that it has left me scared. I am afraid that fire is going to burn so much down or maybe turn something into pure gold but perhaps barren. That is the thing about fires, of the gut, of heart or of substance. If controlled, it becomes the most beneficial asset, and if not controlled, it burns its beholder to ashes and everything around. I am afraid I have set a fire at places, where I am the one who couldn’t be warmed up by it. Am I an arsonist Hachi? Am I born to leave a trail of broken hearts behind me, or everyone does the same and I am no different, quite opposite to what everyone says.
Will I ever fall in love again now that I have loved you with my soul? You know if you walk up to me once and tell me that I should let myself go and fall into this river flowing from the beautiful people, I will fall in love without thinking again. But the fact is that you are gone and I will never hear your voice again. Why has it become so hard after you? Why am I suffering even when I am liberated?
Why do people fall in love with me Hachi when I am the most incapable of loving? It makes me want to cry. I feel impotent in my heart. Yet no one seems to understand the suffering. Is it my fault?
Has the story reversed Hachi? Will I keep waiting for you all my life?