Then she turned and said to him, ‘I can see that fire in your eyes which once burned for me but now it burns of you.’
he Stood there, frozen, lip-sealed, his eyes were holding that water which had engulfed those blue flames. His hands were empty yet there was a weight he couldn’t get rid of, his legs were weary but he was standing, his throat was deep in the cold which was radiating from the right of his chest. He opened his mouth to speak but there was so much to speak that all of it fell into dismissal, he embraced that effortless silence he made. He knew that it didn’t matter what he would say, she was there not because she was feeling guilty, she was there because she was having an impulse which was momentary, she wasn’t there for making amends, she wasn’t there for helping him out, in fact she was there to stage herself a satisfaction that she went to console him but she was so unaware of what consolation is.
He looked at her, there was a dismissal, a denial so severe that it scratched his frontal lobe for a second, he opened his mouth for that fraction of second to let the words out, ‘you should’ve told me how to distinguish that fire before you went. It’s of no use now, it’s too late,’ but he fell into dismissal once again. He couldn’t speak anything, precisely he felt that it was of no use to speak anything to her, she wasn’t there for him, she was there for herself.
‘Do you forgive me?’ she looked at him with utter gloom in her eyes as if she had been hurting herself since ever for doing what she did to him, ‘I can’t go to sleep properly, every night you race through my mind. I think of you.’
‘How much?’ he wanted to ask, ‘Do you ever wake up missing me, trying to push those tears back into your eyes while you travel to your office so that fellow passengers don’t get what you’re going through?’ but all that came out of his mouth was, ‘hmmmm,’ he was forgiving her. He was forgiving her because he knew what it was to feel how he had been feeling all these days, how it was to feel hatred for your own self, to feel sad and regret of doing things one shouldn’t have had done. None deserves to live like that, everyone has a right to have a happy life and be forgiven. He said, ‘hmmm’ and his colorless face nodded mildly. There was no expression but forgiveness for her, there was pain but no feelings for her. He was pained about loving a not-right person, she wasn’t wrong.
‘Can we be friends?’ she asked with a great hope, she thought, determined that she’d help him out of it. But you can’t help someone you had left helpless when he needed it the most, now he had learned to help himself. It was too late for her.
He had wanted her always but now he didn’t need her, he needed peace. He wanted to tell her that he had friends who were helping him out of it and they were doing a great job at it, he wanted to tell that none could compare to his friends. He wasn’t thinking rude, he was just thinking rational.
He didn’t reply though his heart was in dismissal. ‘we can’t be friends now, you are not good for my health,’ he tought to speak but then his mind stopped. He looked sideways disconsolately, ‘it’s my time to leave,’ he made a low sound in that chilly winter breeze.
‘Can’t you spend some time with me? Just for the one last time?’ she asked, she wasn’t satisfied yet, she wasn’t satisfied with the forgiveness she had just recieved. She wanted more of his time to feel forgiven. She wanted to be the first to feel that there was no need to talk anymore and everything was finally over.
There was a struggle between, she wanted to be the first again, she had always been first.
He stared into the fog which was surrounding them, tears in his eyes were not there now, he had learnt the art of pushing them back by now. ‘I have already given you so much of time from my life,’ he said in his head but not out loud because he didn’t want to hurt her or anyone. He said nothing and stepped back.
‘Would we talk if we ever meet again?’ she asked with an impulse as she felt that he was finally going.
‘I hope that we never cross each other’s paths again,’ he said it finally. He felt nothingness, a deep nothingness. As he walked away he knew that his frozen heart will thaw someday. He knew that love will prevail again someday but for that he didn’t need to wait, he needed to live.