Feeling of displacement is always nauseating. Our hands, legs and every crackling bone buried deep in the skins rattle up, every tissue feels severely disconnected. You see, I’ve tried my level best not to feel out of sorts, but one cannot control the things one lets control oneself. I wish I had made a wise choice, have I made a wise choice? A choice that leaves one displaced, not a hundred yards but hundreds of miles. Finding home and then just moving away from it takes your nerve and sinew, agitating them to see how strong they could get against the backdrop of eyes that made you feel safe. But honestly, I feel I’m sedimented, perpetual and helpless against the river flow. I wish I could still hold those hands every night before sleeping, touch that dark skin, sink in the same bedsheets, rest my worries in that pillow, look around and feel safe in those walls and wake up, wake up to the comfort of his eyes. It certainly is not easy to leave my place behind just because I have some duties, just because I have a career, just because I have to prove myself to the people. Tell me how is that right? Am I looking for validation? If I could take a bus right now, I’d do it and be in Dharamsala before the night falls. And I definitely could take a bus right now, but I’m a little bit unsure if that’d be wise. I haven’t felt it yet, how it feels to be away from him. Maybe it’ll make us grow stronger. So I’ll stay.
Hachi, things have changed a lot since last I wrote you. I have a cat, his name is Simba, and he is precious. There’s another puppy at home, his name is Bobo, and he’s white just like you. I never wanted to leave Simba behind, but you see, I’m dumb. Dumber than a donkey I suppose. I’m afraid if I’m honest, I’m afraid of losing a thing or two, but I’d always want to go back to my home once I’m done with the work.
I know that you’re out there somewhere, or maybe somewhere around me. Perhaps, you’re at many a places around me. You’re right here in my heart in one way, burning like a beacon. I hope you understand that this shift from trees to Delhi metro feels like cheating, from his face to all the other ones, from feeling to missing.
The beacon that you are tells me that I’ve found something fascinating inside of someone very ordinary and we’re going to be. No one else was going to find that, because it was no one else’s duty. So I know that we’ll make it. I’ll try.